Review: The Parisian Cinemagoing Experience

Sorry for not posting any reviews the last couple of weeks. I had hoped to do some writing while I was away but it turns out Paris is fucking incredible, and I couldn't justify sitting in my apartment in front of my computer while there was so much cool stuff to do. I'm not just talking about seeing the Eiffel Tower or strolling through the Louvre, though. For me, what really distinguishes Paris from the other places I've visited is the city's unabashed love of films. You can't throw a croissant without hitting a cinema, and more often than not it's one with a rich history and diverse program, the likes of which you'd be hard-pressed to find here in Canada. Of course we have places like the Mayfair Theatre, but havens like the Mayfair, theatres that don't just screen the latest Marvel movie in whatever face-melting format that's been cooked up to try to justify adding another $5 to the ticket price, are certainly few and far between.

For the most part, the cinemas in Paris exist for the love of films, not money, with independent movie houses with more control over their programs far outnumbering the big chains limited to the latest blockbusters. On any given day you can see a Korean revenge flick from masters like Bong Joon-ho and Park Chan-wook, then catch a silent film accompanied by live piano, before ending things with a classic American movie, screening as a part of an extensive retrospective look at directors like Martin Scorsese and Sam Peckinpah. It's amazing what you can find playing around town, but what's even more amazing is how the simple act of going to the movies is always viable to become an unforgettable experience for film lovers. For example, during my visit, a screening of the cult Korean monster movie, THE HOST (which you should watch if you haven't already), was preceded by a lecture from French film critic, Stéphane du Mesnildot, entitled, "Bong Joon-ho: Mothers, Monsters and Killers." Even when there isn't something scheduled, after a film screening, you can always participate in lively, Kronenbourg-fueled discussions in the café-bars attached to nearly every cinema. You feel like you're in THE DREAMERS, only without the incestuous sex—at least in my experience.

The actual movie-watching part of going to the movies is better in Paris, too. Sure the historic cinemas might not have D-BOX, or UltraAVX, or SUPERMEGALOUDBRIGHT tech, but they have an undeniable charm. Cinema Studio 28, for example, features light fixtures designed by famous French novelist, playwright, filmmaker, and former patron, Jean Cocteau. But if that doesn't float your boat, you'll still find a cutting edge Sony 4K projector in the booth.

Cinéma Étoile Pagode was also wonderful, transporting you from the busy streets of Paris to a serene Japanese garden where you can enjoy a cup of tea or tentacle porn before the film begins (note: BYOTP).

As you're probably aware, the people around you can greatly impact on how much you enjoy watching a movie at the theatre, and if you're not aware of that fact, you're probably the sort of person I'm about to go off on, so pay attention. There's nothing more annoying than the person beside you at the theatre, or anywhere within view, for that matter, constantly checking their phone. Honestly, what the fuck are you doing? Why did you pay $15 to ignore a movie and piss people off? What is so urgent that it can't wait a couple of hours? Sure, there are some valid reasons for leaving your phone on and checking it now and then. Maybe you work on-call or your wife might go into labor or you're Liam Neeson and your daughter just went on vacation. Those are fair excuses, but to the fucker Snapchatting the first raptor scene at that screening of JURASSIC WORLD—you know who you are—, fuck you. You're sitting in the very front row (because you're stupid and you show up twenty minutes late for a 2nd-weekend screening of a movie that had the biggest opening weekend IN THE HISTORY OF MOVIES), and you're holding your phone at full arm's length over your head in plain view of literally everybody there, most of whom probably watch movies because they enjoy watching movies (and not because they enjoy sending 10-second clips of dinosaurs to their friends) and are probably distracted by the light floating around Chris Pratt's crotch. We don't need our attention drawn there; we're fully aware of Chris Pratt's crotch's magnificence, thank you very much. It's just fucking distracting. Part of the magic of watching a movie is losing yourself in it and being transported to another world, a goddamn Jurassic world. When you're on your phone, you're likely breaking people's immersion, and that sucks. I heard that some theatre chain in China wants to try to boost attendance by allowing people to use their phones, because youths are becoming increasingly terrible—also, get off my lawn—and this seems to correlate with declining ticket sales. Not only that, though, this chain wants to give them the ability to have their texts appear ON THE FUCKING SCREEN. What madness is this? You'd turn DALLAS BUYERS CLUB or something into a fucking VH1 pop-up video? Why on McConaughey's green earth would anyone want to see "imho this movie sux," or "ily bae <3 <3 <3," or, McConaughey forbid, "Netflix and chill?" *shudders* during a movie screening? Look, there are worse people than "Tommy Texter." "Suzie Seatkicker" sucks, too, and there are "Ronnie Racists," "Mikey Murderers," and "Donald Trumps" out in the world, but can't we at least try to make the theatre a better place? No? Well, we'll always have Paris...

The cinemagoers that I encountered in Paris were the most respectful bunch of people that I've ever had the pleasure of watching a movie with. Not once did I see someone pull out their phone, and 95% of every audience that I was a part of stayed until the end credits had finished rolling. Maybe that seems trivial, but a lot of people put a lot of hard work into making movies, be they the stunt performers, caterers, drivers, or the guy who greases Steven Seagal's ponytail, and waiting an extra few minutes so that they get a bit of recognition, even if there isn't some over-hyped post-credits scene that people read way too much into, says a lot about you as a cinemagoer. Now, as far as "Sally Soundtracks," i.e. people who talk during movies, go, I heard a few, but I'm of the belief that an excited and hurried whisper is cool. Going to the movies is amazing, and it's only natural to want to express that. I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't guilty of shooting a whispered and gleeful "fuck yeah" at my buddy every time Arnold first appears on screen. Sentiments like that are shared by everyone in the theatre, though. We're experiencing something fantastic together, whereas when you're dicking around on your phone, you're somewhere else. So, for example, when I saw PAT GARRETT AND BILLY THE KID at the Cinémathèque française, I overheard some women lose their shit when they saw Harry Dean Stanton. I got it. Moreover, I loved it. You never see people celebrate a guy like HDS, an accomplished actor with an impressive filmography, to be sure (the guy's in fucking COOL HAND LUKE, THE GODFATHER: PART II, ALIEN, ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK, RED DAWN and FIRE DOWN BELOW), but one who usually plays fifth or sixth fiddle to bigger names. Hearing someone involuntarily shriek and blurt out "Oh mon Dieu! C'est Harry Dean Stanton!" put a smile on my face, and is the sort of thing I love about going to theatre and watching a movie with other people.

So, friends, if you're in Paris, wouldn't you rather take in an interesting movie at a charming cinema with lovely people, than throw 'bows with a Chinese tour group to try to get a fleeting glance at the Mona Lisa? Because honestly, when I was there, AMY was the most beautiful portrait of a woman that I saw (if anyone involved with the marketing and distribution of AMY is reading this, please feel free to use that blurb on the DVD cover).